I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
