i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
