What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I deserve this hangover.
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