dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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