he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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