I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
