I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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