At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
