He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
