I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Its about making memories worth repressing
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
