I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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