how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
