I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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