I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
