He asked to "fluff my boner.."
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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