Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
