Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Rumble strips road head = magical
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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