If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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