It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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