The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
