I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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