Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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