Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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