Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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