I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
