my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
