So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
