we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
