I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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