how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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