everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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