tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Drunk is a universal language darling
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