When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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