You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
