I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
pop tarts are not kleenex
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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