I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
