so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i now understand why vodka
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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