I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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