Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
