During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
