Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
