Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize