Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
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Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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