i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
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The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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