My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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