I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
