Your face is a jimmy john
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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