remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
