She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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