no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
