I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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