I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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