I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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