Just fell off a train. Bad.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
